I Must Have Been Truly Evil In Another Life...

To deserve to be smelling someone else's dumps every morning.

Ok, I am better off than I was when I was working in the health care center, because at least in this case the person can wipe their own toot-toot.

But still...

Whenever I go at 1:30-ish in the morning to assist this lady to the toilet, make sure she gets there without falling and breaking one of her fragile hips and helping her pull down her Depends, I know what I'm in for. Because 1:30-ish is the magic hour for her bowels to empty.

I know she's embarrassed about it, but what can ya do?

I go stand outside the door. Still, poop stink is stealthy. It migrates into the other room. And I say "God DAMN!" I stand there hiding the fact that I'm retching and gagging. Poor woman. It isn't her fault. I hope I die before I get old and decrepit enough to require someone to help my worn-out ass to the bathroom because one's bowels do not get better with age. I guar-on-tee that the poor fool who would have to assist me in this fashion would be lying on the floor vomiting like the victim of a poison gas attack, because that will be what they'd have been hit with, given the ancient bowels that don't digest properly and my proclivity for eating onions and garlic and other spicy foods that make your poop reek to high heaven.

Before I die I really, really, really want to be in a profession that doesn't involve butts and bowels and all the other smelly private functions. So everybody has to buy my book when it comes out. It will earn you good karma, I guar-on-tee!

Read The Poop Report for funny, disgusting poop tales!